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"Pyramid Mummy Money" by Beast Boy
|This transcript is incomplete.|
- [Robin, Raven, Cyborg, and Starfire are sitting on the couch. Beast Boy, crying, joins them.]
- Starfire: Beast Boy, your sadness is leaking from your eye holes.
- Beast Boy: It's just, I-I can't afford the birthday present Cyborg really wants.
- Raven: Wait. Haven't we been through this before?
- Cyborg: And, besides, my birthday is like months away.
- Beast Boy: If I don't get him an expensive gift, it can ruin our friendship.
- Cyborg: That's not true! What kind of person do you think I am?
- Raven: Yeah, yeah, this has definitely happened before.
- Beast Boy: You guys know how much he loves expensive gifts.
- Cyborg: You're making me sound like a monster.
- Beast Boy: I have to gets a job so I can afford the expensive present Cyborg wants.
- Cyborg: You don't! You really don't.
- Robin: Let me guess, Beast Boy. You'e going to get a job at the pie shop.
- Beast Boy: I ain'ts getting a job at the pie shop. I'm gonna make money the easy way. Check it. [Takes out a pamphlet.]
- Robin: Wait. [Reads pamphlet.] This is a pyramid scheme.
- Cyborg: Whoa. Pyramid? As in mummies?
- Raven: I'm not sure you should do business with mummies.
- Robin: Not that kind of pyramid. [Inhales.] A pyramid scheme is an unsustainable business model that promises payment to participants based on the amount of additional people they enroll in the business instead of focusing on the sales of goods or services to the public.
- Beast Boy, Cyborg, Raven, Starfire: Oh.
- Robin: As you can see here, the exponential growth of the "business" will eventually cause the entire operation to collapse, leaving the participants at the bottom of the pyramid bankrupt while those at the top walk away rich thus the name: Pyramid Scheeeeeeme.
- Starfire: Interesting. I do have the question. Did the mummies build the pyramids?
- Robin: There are no mummies! It's not a literal pyramid! My point is: there is no such thing as easy money. You need to earn it with hard labor.
- Beast Boy: Ew, no way. Hard labor is for criminals and pregnant ladies. But, if you lives on the top of the mummy, you can get rich!
- Robin: Well, technically, yes, but -
- Beast Boy: Cyborg is gonna get the most expensive present ever! [Transforms into a dolphin and jumps out the window.]
- Cyborg: Just give me a card!
- [Days later, the pelican has money in its mouth. Beast Boy is eating money from a bowl.]
- Robin: [Launches himself through the window and knocks Beast Boy down. Swings him around and takes the money out of his mouth.] Cough up that dough!
- Raven: What are you doing to Beast Boy?
- Robin: He was eating a cash salad and I refuse to stand by [takes the money and puts it in his wallet] and watch money being wasted.
- Cyborg: Cash salad? Any good?
- Beast Boy: Mmm, not really. I just gots more money than I can spend so I'm thinking of new ways to use it. Check it! ♪ Boy, I bought a gold boat, bought a gold star. Bought a gold bear, put him in a gold car. Bought a gold fridge, filled it with some gold food. Bought a gold me, I call him the gold dude. I'm making that money, that pyramid mummy money. I'm makin' money, that pyramid scheme money. Making that money, that pyramid mummy money. I'm makin' money, that pyramid scheme money. Girl, I stuff my money brick by brick. Check my gold fronts, I go lick, lick, lick. Need a new wallet, 'cause my money don't fit. Bought a gold bomb, that go tick, tick, tick. Making that money, the pyramid mummy money. I'm makin' money, that pyramid scheme money. Making that money, the pyramid mummy money. I'm makin' money, the pyramid scheme money. ♪
- Cyborg, Raven, Starfire: Oh!
- Beast Boy: [Places a crown on Cyborg.] Here's your birthday present by the way.
- Starfire: Oh, sparkly.
- Raven: So, where'd you get all this cash?
- Beast Boy: From the pyramid scheme, yo. I signed up and now I'm a money sheriff. [Dresses like a cowboy.]
- Cyborg, Raven, Starfire: Ooh.
- Starfire: What is the money sheriff?
- Beast Boy: It's kinda like being president of your own company, but with a badge.
- Cyborg: We want to wear badges and eat money!
- Beast Boy: You want in, huh? Well, it's super easy. First, give me a hundred dollars.
- Robin: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't give money to make money. That's like paying to have a job and those badges are worthless. They're just to trick you into thinking you have some sort of status. This is why it's called a pyramid scheeeeeeme.
- Cyborg: Here you go!
- Beast Boy: [Takes the money.] Great! Now you're my money deputies. [Throws badges at Cyborg, Starfire, and Raven.]
- Cyborg: Cool. [Dresses as a cowboy.] Reach for the sky, compadres.
- Starfire: [Dressed as a cowgirl.] Bangs, bangs, horse, horse.
- Raven: [Dressed as a cowgirl.] Yee-haw!
- Beast Boy: Lookin' good, y'all. Like you want to make that mummy money.
- Robin: You are not cowboys and there are no mummies in a pyramid scheme! You are participating in a fraudulent business. What you need is honest work. Hard labor.
- Starfire: I am not the prisoner! Bang, bang.
- Cyborg: And I'm no pregnant woman.
- Raven: We are cowboys, hombre. What's next, sheriff?
- Beast Boy: Get out there and recruit more deputies!
- [Cyborg, Starfire, and Raven recruit Batman, the Joker, Billy Numerous, and Doctor Light, rising up the pyramid. That night, the three are eating money outside Titans Tower while Robin watches.]
- Cyborg: Hungry, partner?
- Robin: I'm not eating your filthy money.
- Raven: Hmm. Tastes real clean to me, buckeroo. [Eats money.]
- Robin: This is disgraceful behavior. This pyramid scheme is going to leave you broke, Titans.
- Cyborg: Us big money cowboy millionaires broke? Ha-ha!
- Beast Boy: [Knocks Cyborg's cash salad out of his hand and snatches the money.] Get that cash out of your mouth! Give me that, hurry! No, no, no, no, don't eat that five. [Crawls into Cyborg's mouth and exits out his torso. Grabs money out of Starfire and Raven's mouth and places it in a briefcase.]
- Raven: Hey. I was still working on that!
- Beast Boy: Sorry, ma'am, the boss wants his cut of the money or we'll be six feet under.
- Cyborg, Starfire, Raven: [Gasp.]
- Robin: See. Only the person at the top of the pyramid gets any money.
- [The Titans scream as the ground begins shaking.]
- Beast Boy: Oh, it's the boss.
- [A pyramid rises and a mummy steps out.]
- Boss Mummy: Mummy money.
- Robin: Is that a mummy?
- Raven: Of course it is.
- Robin: And you're not surprised?
- Starfire: Not particularly.
- Robin: You're not wondering where the money came from?
- Cyborg: He came from the pyramid. Where else is he supposed to come from?
- Boss Mummy: Mummy money.
- Beast Boy: Eh, here you go, mummy. [Hands the briefcase to Boss Mummy.]
- Boss Mummy: [Looks inside the briefcase and sees wads of money.] Mummy money?
- Beast Boy: But, but there isn't any more.
- Raven: We ate the rest.
- Boss Mummy: Mummy money!
- [Boss Mummy's mummies surround the Titans. In Egypt, the Titans, no longer dressed as cowboys, are being forced to transport a pyramid stone across the desert.]
- Raven: [Looks up at the sun.] So hot. [Whipped.]
- Mummy: Mummy money.
- Raven: Okay. Okay.
- Beast Boy: This is my fault. All 'cause I had to buy Cyborg the most expensive birthday present he wanted so much.
- Starfire: Look where your materialism has gotten us, Cyborg.
- Cyborg: I would have been satisfied with a hug.
- Robin: I was wrong too, Beast Boy. I thought pyramid schemes were dangerous, because you risk losing your money, but really it's because of the mummies. [Whipped.]
- Mummy: Mummy money.
- Beast Boy: Sorry, guys.
- Robin: Well, Beast Boy, there's only one way to get out of financial trouble.
- Beast Boy: You mean hard labor?
- Raven: We're already doing that, you vermin.
- [Robin notices they aren't being watched and has the Titans hide behind the pyramid stone.]
- Robin: The other kind of hard labor?
- Starfire: Oh, the pregnant kind.
- Beast Boy: Uh, I think I hear what you're saying. [Transforms into a pregnant chicken and groans.]
- Cyborg: Remember to breathe, Beastie.
- Starfire: You're doing great.
- Beast Boy: [Yells.]
- Raven: Keep breathing.
- Robin: Almost there. One more push.
- Beast Boy: [Yells until he hears a pop.] Ooh.
- Robin: Congratulations. [Hands Beast Boy an egg.]
- Cyborg, Starfire, Raven: Aw.
- [The egg hatches, revealing a chick.]
- Beast Boy: I'm a mama!
- Robin: Perfect. [Throws the chick aside and turns the egg upside-down, taking out several items and hedge clippers.] Now that you've learned the value of hard labor, let's get these chains off. [Cuts the chains.]
- Raven: The key to saving ourselves was inside Beast Boy all along.
- Beast Boy: [Transforms back into a human.] But what are we gonna do about all these mummies?
- Robin: Did you forget, Beast Boy?
- Cyborg: [Dressed as a cowboy.] You're still the sheriff.
- Starfire: [Dressed as a cowgirl.] And we're your deputies.
- Raven: [Dressed as a cowgirl.] Yee-haw, hombre!
- Robin: [Dressed as a cowboy.] I won't let you down, sheriff.
- Beast Boy: [Dresses himself as a cowboy.] Then let's go long, little doggies.
- [A mummy notices the chains and gathers the other mummies.]
- Mummy: Mummy money
- [The Titans are on top of the pyramid block which Raven is levitating with her soul-self. She drops the block on the mummies. The Titans take their horses and ride toward the pyramid.]
- Beast Boy: Yee-haw!
- [The Titans enter the pyramid. Robin throws bird-a-rangs from his boots and blows up mummies. Beast Boy transforms into an ox and knocks several mummies down. Starfire shoots blasts out of her hands at mummies that are shooting at her. Raven makes a portal that Cyborg goes through and exits behind the mummies. He throws them out the window and in front of Boss Mummy.]
- Boss Mummy: Mummy money!
- Beast Boy: [Exits pyramid.] This here pyramid ain't big enough for the both of us.
- Boss Mummy: Mummy money.
- [Beast Boy and the Boss Mummy stare at each other. A gold bear in a gold car runs over Boss Mummy.]
- Beast Boy: Gold bear, you crazy, dude.
- [The horses are eating money while the Titans gather in front of the pyramid.]
- Robin: Well, Titans, I hope you all learned about the dangers of pyramid scheeeeeemes.
- Starfire: The mummies are scary.
- Raven: Super scary.
- Cyborg: But being a cowboy, hoo doggy, is fun.
- Beast Boy: Well, in that case, buckeroos, I know what we gots to do. [Mounts a horse.] Ride into the sunset, baby! Yee-haw!
- [The Titans follow Beast Boy toward the sunset, cheering.]